This is a placeholder mostly at the moment, or I suppose not a placeholder but a multi-part/day entry, because instead of looking at things in pure retrospect or speculation, I am going to try to keep it updated pretty much as things happen.

She's here. After quite a few weeks, a month give or take a week, she finally has come up to see me. I've been getting a lot of unasked for opinions on what to do in regards to her, to the potential of there being an "us", as of late. And maybe some of it is starting to sink in, even if I really don't want it to.

I guess there really are only 3 important questions, and I'll know the answers soon enough I guess.

Monday, July 14, 12:24AM

So, I tried to get close to her physically, and was summarily shot down. I guess that is answer enough. No need bothering with the other 2 questions if the lead up to them is a resounding "No, Get the fuck off of me".

I guess it really is time to move on. That ship has sailed.

---12:57AM

Funny little side note: I finally understand the appeal of cutting. The physical pain makes the mental/emotional pain much less, because it puts your body into a feeling of distress which is much more immediate. I may consider doing this more often. It really does help.

Because I just can't seem to stay consistent on it. But I had to say something somewhere. George "Mr. Conductor" Carlin passed yesterday at 5:55pm in Santa Monica, CA of heart failure, at the age of 71. Mr. Carlin, a long standing professional comic, began his career by portraying others characters, before finally growing tired of that sometime around 1950, and deciding to portray himself. It proved a successful venture, and the world has loved, or hated, him since. But you can't hear a George Carlin anecdote without having some reaction to his punchlines.

With skits such as "7 Dirty Words you Can't Say on TV", "Stuff", "Baseball and Football", roles in cult classic movies (Bill and Ted as "Rufus", a Priest in Dogma, a Hitchhiker in Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back), the voice of reason to a generation of children ("Mr. Conductor" on Shining Time Station), Mr. Carlin has had a role in the life of many. Few Celebrities can have been so crass and yet not roused the ire of the public.

This is a salute to you, Mr. Carlin. Your special brand of comedy, the gleam in your eye and the laugh in your voice, will sorely be missed.

Go put some Whoopee Cushion's on the Throne of God. We know you've been waiting to.

Temperment: sad

I've been catching up on work, or at least trying to. Every step forward is another step back, as always. Not really though. If I can keep up the pace I'm at in 2 months time I'll at least be somewhere that I can afford to not be trying to get work 24 hours a day.

On the downside, I am losing my studio space. But I am going to make the best of it, and for the next 30 or so days, I am trying to get someone to shoot EVERY day. If I ca squeeze 30 shoots out of that space, I'll consider it money well spent.

I'm more or less just letting whoever reads this know I'm alive if nothing else. And I may just be over, if not out of, my depressive slump. So it's getting better.

Random Fact:
Sound can not travel in space, so it is true, no one CAN hear you scream.

A song from the group, Alice in Chains:

Down in a Hole
Bury me softly in this womb
I give this part of me for you
Sand rains down and here I sit
Holding rare flowers
In a tomb...in bloom

Down in a hole and I don't know if I can be saved
See my heart I decorate it like a grave
You don't understand who they
Thought I was supposed to be
Look at me now a man
Who wont let himself be

Down in a hole, feeling so small
Down in a hole, losing my soul
Id like to fly,
But my wings have been so denied

Down in a hole and they've put all
The stones in their place
Ive eaten the sun so my tongue
Has been burned of the taste
I have been guilty
Of kicking myself in the teeth
I will speak no more
Of my feelings beneath

Down in a hole, feeling so small
Down in a hole, losing my soul
Id like to fly but my
Wings have been so denied

Bury me softly in this womb
Oh I want to be inside of you
I give this part of me for you
Oh I want to be inside of you
Sand rains down and here I sit
Holding rare flowers (oh I want to be inside of you)
In a tomb...in bloom
Oh I want to be inside...

Down in a hole, feeling so small
Down in a hole, losing my soul
Down in a hole, feeling so small
Down in a hole, out of control
Id like to fly but my
Wings have been so denied

Finally got my bank account back into the positive. Not by much, all of a buck 40, but it's better than being in the negative. One of my cards is working with me to postdate a check towards the end of this month, my cellphone bill is going to be able to be paid off next week, and so is my Macy's card, if not in full, then at least close to. That just leaves one card that is being the elephant in the room, but that's a hell of a lot better than 3 of them. And it means I'll be able to start slowly putting away some cash, not a lot by any means, maybe $200 or so a month, if even that much, but it's a start.

$250/week. That's what I am making right now. It is EXACTLY 1/2 of what I need to be making to actually catch up on my bills and back payments. Exciting, right? A lot of people have been saying my life is in a rut, too many for me to disagree with them, but then the "solutions" that they offer seem like a worse deal.

Casual Sex? No thanks, not interested. Mari-ja-wanna? No thanks, keeping clean. Drinks and Douchebaggery? Eh, I'm enough of a prick without being drunk, alcohol just exacerbates the condition. On the plus side, I FINALLY got a grade for my last Semester, B's in both classes, which is really good considering the work was turned in 3 months late. And once that grade goes into the system, I have a $50 check I can collect from the college, so "Yay!" to me I suppose.

Someone was nice enough to pay me far in advance for some work I am doing for them, so that $200 really helped, at least at the moment it was given. She also tried to hook me up with a friend of hers, which just isn't going to happen. I met the girl, I went to high school with her cousin, and it's just not something I'm interested in, though I will gladly do a photoshoot for her. Paid, of course, since she wants it as a present to herself for her upcoming 28th birthday.

I still haven't reconciled with my best friend, and things are shaky as hell, but at least it's a little better and she isn't blatantly ignoring me anymore. Truth of the matter is, I miss her, a lot, and I don't want to admit it. It came up last night while I was discussing the work I had been paid for (Lighting Technician for a Student movie, by the way), she(The girl who paid me) asked something about my past, and it went into a very long and emotional 3ish hour tirade of everything that had happened, and opened a whole floodgate of other things that I have been, and still am to a large degree, holding in. It wasn't a dam I particularly wanted to breach, and now that it has been, I am curious to see what is going to happen. And hoping dearly that it isn't, like so much else, a morbid curiosity.

When the way that you've been approaching life fails you, and you continue to do it, you are mad. Madness/Insanity, after all, is just a case of continually attempting to do something and expecting a different result every time. I think I may be done being insane. I will never be done being a prick, but as I am thinking, reflecting, taking more and more time to look at myself as I do at others, I see a lot of things that can be changed, for my own self-improvement. And maybe, with a little luck and a lot of work, it will bring some type of love back into my life.

With all that said, I do have a list for today, instead of a glaring "Fuck You!"

These are some songs and bands that I strongly suggest checking out:
1) The Guess Who-No Time(Video with Pon and Zi)
2) Dire Straits-Walk of Life
3) The Clay People-Raygun Girls
4) The Clay People-Car Bomb: Am I Human?(AMV of Hellsing)
5) Tool-Bottom
6) Tool-Hooker With A Penis

And a note on one of the songs, it makes a lot of sense to me, and I think it explains what I have been thinking about rather adequately:
Artist-Tool
Song-Bottom
Lyrics/Vocals-Maynard James Keenan with Henry Rollins(There are other versions)

Compassion is broken now.
My will is eroded now
Desire is broken now
and it makes me feel ugly.

I'm on my knees and burning.
My piss and moans are fuel
I set my head on fire.
And smell my soul is burning.

I'm broken, looking up to see the enemy.
And I have swallowed the poison you're feeding me
but I survive on the poison you're feeding me,
Leaving me, guilt fed, hatred fed, weakness fed
It makes me feel ugly

I'm on my knees and burning.
My piss and moans are fuel
I set my head on fire.
Deaden soul

Shit adds up
Shit adds up
Shit adds up
Shit adds up at the bottom.

[Spoken, Henry Rollins]
If I let you,
You would make me destroy myself
In order to survive you,
I must first survive myself
I can sink no further
and I cannot forgive you.
There's no choice but to confront you,
to engage you,
to erase you.
I've gone to great lengths
to expand my threshold of pain.
I will use my mistakes against you
there's no other choice.
I'm shameless now,
I'm nameless now,
I'm nothing now,
I'm no one now,
But my soul must be iron,
'Cause my fear is naked
I'm naked and fearless
and my fear is naked

[Maynard]
NAKED
Dead inside
Dead inside
Dead inside
Dead inside

Nameless now,
Shameless now,
Nothing now,
No one now,

Shit, adds, up,
Shit, adds, up,
Shit, adds, up,
Shit, adds, up,

As you see me naked now,
Fearless now,
Naked now,
Fearless now,

Shit adds up
Shit adds up
Shit adds up

It leaves me dead inside,
Dead inside
Dead inside
Dead inside

Hatred keeps me alive
Cowardice keeps me alive
Weakness keeps me alive
Guilt keeps me alive
at the bottom

I really am. Why does no one want to talk to me? Is anyone listening? Please talk to me? :(

I am REALLY bored. Why won't my sister get back to me? I hate being bored, and she helps so much. This sucks. I'm going to go poke that damn black thing in the room until it moves, because it annoys me. Hopefully, it'll be entertaining.

Sis, if you read this, ever, GET BACK TO ME!!! I'M BORED!!!!!!!!!!

ummmm...help?

What exactly am I supposed to do with this? Do I write in it once a day? Or do I just write in it whenever something is on my mind? I want a pancake. Does that count? I really like pancakes, they are all gooey and mushy when you let the syrup sink in. Does it even need to be things most people can read?

Arn'x etz Otalo?

I bet if I write long enough, I'll make a little world here and then it'll implode on itself for all the crazy sex and sexiness that is in it. That would be kinda cool. I should try that. But I don't really know what else to write. ummmm....Chicken Pot Pie sucks!

I'm in charge of this now. Hi. Not sure what to say. What are these things for anyway? Do people really just read this stuff, or is it like a diary or something that you keep?

Anyway, Hi. How are all of you? I'm doing pretty good, but I miss my sister. I haven't seen her in so long it seems like I'll never see her again. I hate when that happens. There are some other buttons and stuff here to play with, so I'm going to go play with those and see what happens.

Ummmmmm...yeah. Hit me back?

So why have anything?

Figured I'd have more to say, but I guess that about sums it up for the moment, doesn't it? Rising Confidence, goodbye again. Hope you don't come back, either. Easier to pretend.

So, somehow, I've been pegged as an "Edgy" fashion photographer. Don't tell anyone that I shoot fetish and bondage images, apparently I do them in a way that looks like high-end fashion. I can't really complain, its a fun market, though I don't know much about fashion. And the truth is, I don't mind doing it if it pays.

Apparently, my confidence is making a return. I'm not entirely sure this is a good thing, I mean I am a prick after all. So I'll go from being a prick with no confidence to being a prick with confidence. If you haven't experienced it before, it's a whole different situation.

Vini, Vidi, Vici, Bitches.

Well, I finally finished my loan application, after about 15 tries and retries and forgetting to sign stupid little things. So now I just have to wait and hope and pray...I think I'm going to get it. I hope I do, I really need it.

My camera gave me a big scare, which is why I haven't posted the last couple of days. I did a shoot in the rain, and it was fine, the body is weather-resistant. End of the shoot, putting things away, and the camera fell out of the car into the rain-filled gutter, and went for a mini-raft ride. Well, not really on the raft ride, but it WAS sitting in the gutter, getting soaked. I was terrified until last night, when it finally was able to turn both on and off, and gave it a test run today, and it's working. Thank the Gods. If my camera died on me, I'd have to replace it right away, and I don't have the $900 or so dollars to do that. I love my *ist, I really do, but it's time to upgrade to the K10D When I can afford it...and right now, I really can't afford it.

Oh, yeah, I am a Pentaxian. Google it if you don't know what it means. I am also an avid, drooling, photographer. I spent hours the other day looking at lenses and lights and modifiers, and actually had to wipe my mouth. I need to pick a cheaper profession. Then again, if I keep at it long enough that people are booking me at even my portfolio rate ($30/hr), I'd be doing good for myself. It just takes time, patience, perseverance, and as with all ventures, a bit of luck. I've had enough years of bad luck, maybe it'll finally turn around for me.

Interesting Thing of the Day:
The Theremin
Beethoven, Kanye, and Fox
Sexy Sunglasses at Night

So I think I'm getting ahead, and things are balancing out, and I get a phone bill today. For almost $500. You know, every time, every fucking time, I think I'm getting somewhere, shit gets set back on me. If that wasn't enough, the stupid model that I was supposed to shoot with today decided to cancel last minute, because she was too much of a lazy fucking whore to check the travel time a week ago when she first booked. I found someone else to shoot, but the other girl I shot today wasn't a paying job. And I really need the fucking money.

So now, what? I need to inconvenience my studio-mates, so that I can get money for Tuesday and Saturday, and we can make our rent, only 2 weeks late instead of 3, and then try to make up what else we need in the next 2 weeks for next month. It really is fucking ridiculous, and if I didn't need the space and equipment so badly, I would just say fuck it. But I can't get away with that of course, because I like to take on too much at once. Everyone I talk to is convinced that if I can just keep it up long enough, I'll make it as a photographer. Meanwhile, I'm not so sure. I'll probably get famous posthumously if anything. And of course, isn't that how it always works? I don't want my work to sell for lots of money after I can no longer make use of it.

I hate the fucking world right now, and if I ever get a hold of a nuclear arsenal or a mega-virus, all of you are fucked. At least the people I actually like will get to go painlessly, the rest of you motherfuckers better get set for the long haul. *KaBOOM!!!* Let's waste away the earth, one person at a time.

By Ranting now. So, went to see Sweeney Todd. Johnny Depp, you let me down. I expected so much more from you, but the songs were bad, the singing was worse, and the music was completely lacking in an emotive quality. And yet, on the other side I can't be completely angry, because while I was waiting to see the horror of a movie, I actually saw a real Horror movie, El Orfanato(The Orphanage), or at least the start of it. For the time that I spent in it, I've determined that I must see the rest. It is the first movie in a long time to have made me jump at all, the story is good, engaging, and the acting? Phenomenal. I could keep talking it up, but instead I'm just going to say everyone should go see it, and see what they think for themselves. On both movies actually, because tastes differ.

Moving on, I really am entirely bored of City of Heroes. I hit level 50 in it, the maximum level, and now what? Well, now nothing. There isn't really anything else to do in the game but grind up the levels. And then, when you hit 50, you start all over to do it again. It gives me something to do if I am going out of my mind, which is usually, but it's not fulfilling. Nothing ever really is.

Not a journal ID, an actual State ID. I haven't updated mine in a long time, and I need one that has my current address on it. Not because I want to but because...I GOT A LOAN! That's right, I got a student loan to clear, but someone on their end put in some of my information wrong so they need to verify my identity, but once that is done, it will clear. This means that, while I am going to be in even more scholastic debt, I can cover the expenses from what I've paid out of pocket already, and work towards getting my finances out of the red and into the black or even, if things go well enough, into the green.

Maybe that doesn't make a big deal to anyone who may happen to read this, but it's huge to me. It means that maybe, just maybe, my luck is finally starting to turn around. It does happen, I go through a long period of bad luck, and then things swing good again, and I need to capitalize on it as much as I can when it does. I suppose I've gotten pretty close to hitting the bottom now, close enough for my luck to start swinging the other side of the parabola.

So, random insanity, I found some facts scattered throughout the net that I thought I should share:
1) Living scorpions reflect ultraviolet light and can glow with an eerie greenish colour when exposed to UV light, no matter what colour they appear under normal lighting conditions.

Why is this useful? If you go camping and are worried about scorpions, bring a UV light with you, and cast it around your campsite. The little buggers will show up.

2)Names of Venom Types:
* Neurotoxins: affect the nervous system.
* Myotoxins: affect the muscles.
* Haemorrhagins: affect the blood vessels and cause bleeding.
* Haemotoxins: affect the blood.
* Nephrotoxins: affect the kidneys
* Cardiotoxins: affect the heart.
* Necrotoxins: affect tissue and cause necrosis.

3)The Princess Bride Movie Goofs: Because I love this movie.

So, apparently people have decided that I am an "edgy" fashion photographer. I don't see it, but I'm not going to argue when I am (finally) getting paid gigs off of it. 2 lined up so far, with a 3rd promotional shoot on the 20th. I also have an interview tomorrow, finally, for a position in a Fashion and Editorial Agency, based in Manhattan. I hope it goes well, I could really use the job, money, and exposure. And, for once, it's in the right field, so even if the pay isn't great, it's something going in the right direction. And that, for me at least, is a lot.

Of course, since not everything can be happy, my other credit card is over its limit, so needs to be paid immediately. The first one that was over has been adding charges, and now wants $750 immediately. And, best of the best, I just got to hear from someone who used to mean the world to me that they hated me for a lot of the time we were together. And I say used to, because if I admit that they still do, I'm just inviting to be hurt more. But the truth is, they do, and for all of my anger that is misdirected in their direction...*sigh*

...why do I even talk about this? Again, I know no one is reading, because if they were, maybe they would say something about it. Maybe it is time for me to let go of dreams of a happy and loving relationship, and just launch myself full force into work. People have done worse. And, seeing as I don't really have anything to offer, financially, and least of all emotionally, it would be a better idea overall, wouldn't it?

In the words of the Magic 8-Ball (heh, tidbit: The Magic 8-Ball used to be one of my nicknames in like 3rd-5th grade or so, at least from some people):
It is decidedly so

So after so much stress, my Mom helped me take care of my Cell bill. Yeah, it's embarrassing and depressing, but I do need the phone to keep in touch with potential jobs, both regular and photo. A friend in Texas is asking me to come spend a week there and look at the job market, and I think I'm going to. It couldn't hurt, and maybe a better place to find a job as a photographer than New York, which is oversaturated to hell with "Photographers" who shoot 400 photos, and give out all 400...Why would you need 400 shots to get a good headshot? And these jack-offs make $900 for doing it...I need to learn how to market that particular brand of bullshit, seriously.

Back to class tomorrow, and I'm actually eager. While it still looks like I am going to lose the studio, because I can't get a damn loan, I am still trying my damnedest to get what I need to keep it, even at the expense of other things. I may fuck my credit score, but my work is more important than some numbers in a database. At least at the moment.

I also shot a set for Suicide Girls. It is NOT being submitted under my name, and I doubt they'll take it, but it was a lot of fun. And to be honest, I hope they don't take it. I want to use quite a few pictures in my own port, fuck their bullshit corporation up the ass with a stick of lit dynamite.

Oh, by the way, all the violence means I am in a (somewhat) better mood than I have been for my other postings.

Fuck the World, and all the children too.

What compressed air tastes like...
What it would be like to backpack through Mongolia...
Why licorice can be used to kill...
Why my niece is so annoying...
How many People are going to lose money on the Super Bowl...

Why I am even trying to keep up with this...No ones listening.

Can't get a hold of my student loan advisor. Been trying to for days. Hit 50 in my game, max level, so actually don't have a lot left to do there. Sitting here, aching to be in a relationship, but unable to find the will to start one and risk rejection and ruining it again.

Yeah, my posts keep getting shorter and shorter, because I guess I don't really know what more to say, other than repeating the same problems and "revelations" that I've already put out there.

I tried to make a phone call yesterday, and couldn't. Because of my outstanding balance, I can receive calls but I can't make any outgoing. Normally wouldn't be so bad, except hey, guess what, I'm supposed to have 2 photoshoots this weekend, and need my damn phone to get in touch with the models. I can, of course, use the house phone to set things up, but then if something changes day of or last minute, I'm essentially fucked.

I'm sitting here right now, looking through WinAMP skins. I was expecting to be at work, but apparently I wasn't needed to day, and haven't heard a fucking word from my other job of course. Because that would be too helpful. I have a lot in my head right now, so I'm probably going to end up updating 3 or 4 times today, but at least this is a start.

Oh, and some day, I AM going to kill you all, how slowly just depends on how much I like you...or not.

Classes started up again today; I'm a level 3 in Portraiture and Studio Lighting. Hate most the people in both, but that's just me, I don't get friendly with a lot of people. Chloe is in classes Tuesdays now too, so we'll probably hang out a bit, and Jessy is going to try and hang out more often since she isn't taking classes this semester. I hope she does, would suck if I had to find another drinking buddy.

No deep, dark, thoughts today. I'm just making sure I stay in the habit of doing this.

And goddammit, I have work early in the morning, need to be up at like 5am. This is going to suck. It better be fucking worth it. If I get paid, I'm keeping aside enough so that I can go to Taco Bell next week in-between classes.

I am almost max level on my Fire/Fire Tanker in City of Heroes. It's amazing how something so stupid, and so simple, could make you feel like you've actually gotten somewhere. At the same time, I know honestly that I haven't gotten anywhere.

I'm horribly jealous of someone that I have no right to be, because they have so much of the love that I wanted and lost. And, without even trying, they offer everything that I wanted to offer, just by being and being there. It hurts. It hurts more than I thought it could, and probably more than it really should, but that is the type of love that I wanted, and had. And lost.

Why do I always go on about this, and then I end up putting it down in some cryptic fashion while I'm trying to let it go so I can stop holding the pain inside and pretending it doesn't exit. I've tried to move on. I have. But I can't, and won't. Because every time I try, just the faintest glimmer, just the thought that I could have that love again, brings me back. And at the same time, it's completely delusional. I can no more have that love back, so pure and simple and true, than I can bring my father back. *scoff* I miss him. It seems hypocritical. I looked up to him so much when I was little. But somewhere along the line, my sister and alcohol were all that mattered, and nothing I ever did was good enough. I got an A, why wasn't it an A+? I learned something new, why wasn't I perfecting what I already knew? I have a job, well why isn't it a better job? The only thing I ever know I did right in his eyes was be with her. I guess in some way having finally lost her was the final chapter in losing my father, because it was the only thing I can think of that I did that he ever approved of.

Ya know, I'm sitting here, thinking about this, it's 1:30 in the morning. And I realize, I never really called him Dad while he was alive. Because he wasn't. He was my Father, but he wasn't my Dad. He never encouraged me. The moments that he did spend with me he always had to spend with someone else, or drunk out of his mind. I really and truly hated him; not because of who he was...but because I loved him so much, and I could never get a show of that love in return, even in the smallest bit.

And then, that isn't entirely true, because when I was little, he would sit with me, and watch me draw, and he even went to the trouble to frame a few of the small drawings I did to emulate what he could do as best as my little, unskilled hands could manage. He saved every award I ever got, and they all sit in a folder together, put away into the bottom drawer of what I still think of as his night table, even though the top drawer is now full of my CD's. If you were proud of me, and loved me, why couldn't you say it? Why couldn't you show it? Why did I have to wait almost 2 years after you died to hear how you would brag about me to your co-workers, and I couldn't even hear it from any of them, I had to hear it from someone who you treated more like a son in my eyes than you did me. I hate you so much for not loving me.

And that's what I'm guilty of, isn't it? It's not that I cheated. It's not that I was dishonest by not speaking openly. It's, quite simply, that I wouldn't show or say how much I loved her. I'm just as bad as he was. In a lot of ways I'm worse. Because, for all that he did, or didn't, do, he always tried. It was hard for him, but in his own way he did show that he cared. And I can't even do that. I spent so much time being numb, because I was afraid to care. I spent so much time wanting a love of reckless abandon and total dedication that the brief time I had it, it was amazing. And then when it changed, I couldn't deal with it. No matter what was said, or done, I no longer felt loved, or wanted, or needed.

And now, I am jealous. Because a Man has come into her life. I can barely be considered as human; I don't disdain it, it's simply how I am, and who I am. But she wants, and needs, a Man. I wish her all the happiness, and joy, and peace, and calm, and success, and sense of love, truth, and accomplishment that she deserves.

She's sitting in the other room, watching TV right now. And I just want to go, and hold her, and kiss her. Comfort her, and make love to her, and bring her to orgasm after orgasm. But that would just be hiding that I'm crushed. So I'm going to go in there, and hold her, and when she's asleep, Ill watch her for a bit, and cry to myself. Because that's what I do. No one deserves to feel or share in my pain or worries. No one should be unfortunate enough, ever again, to love me. Because I am a waste of their time, and will never feel loved again.

...if it wouldn't be such a financial burden to others, I really would just kill myself. Maybe that's a little fucked, that I only stay alive so that I don't put someone else who cares for me into debt. Even when I know that if and when I am gone, I'll be missed in the same way you miss a good tool; for my utility.

If wishes were fishes, poor men would never starve.

I used to say this all the time:
I wish, I wish, I hadn't killed that fish. I wish, I wish, it wasn't on my dish. I wish, I wish, I had another wish. 'cuz then I'd wish I hadn't killed that fish.

I'm not going to write anymore poems. It's a waste of my time, and it's not like I have any talent for it. What good is it trying to write and share emotions when you have nothing to share that anyone wants to hear.

I am going to end up drowning. I've been avoiding it, like the plague. I already have so much out in student loans that taking more seems like suicide. But then, there is not much other way, short of winning a lottery, that I am going to be able to handle everything right now. Then again, I can't win the lottery if I can't afford to play it, can I?

I hate this fucking dog, she's dirty, she smells horribly, and despite that it isn't my dog I am the only one that takes care of the fucking thing. My cat has gotten retarded, and is aging backwards. It's cute when kittens are playful and mewling; an adult cat, not so much.

What fucks with me more is, if it was just my finances that were really the problem, I wouldn't give a fuck. My "professional" aspiration when I Was growing up was to be a Bum, a Wanderer/Hobo, completely homeless, with nothing at all. And look, I'm almost there! But somewhere along the line, I ended up taking responsibility for things, and having people that I care about deeply...one specific person at that. And for that, I can't just let this slide and move on, and run away into the nameless, faceless masses of downtrodden in the world.

Ya know, for someone who doesn't speak a lot, I sure seem to have a lot to say, and most of it is about nothing.

I kind of wish I was a foot soldier sometimes, general infantry, with nothing to do but mindlessly follow orders and catch bullets. I'd make a good bullet catcher, really. At least I think I would, it's something I don't think they can tell me I'm overqualified for. How can you be overqualified to die, anyway?

I guess it would be an issue that I hate pain. Death? No fear of, no problem, it happens. But Pain? Why should I willingly put myself into a situation that is more likely to cause me constant pain than to actually kill me? I'm not a masochist in the slightest. I'd much rather be causing pain than receiving it.

Of the bits of wisdom from the Hagakure, there is an excerpt about how if, after killing a man, you urinate on his face and them trample him with straw sandals on, the skin will come off. It says this is useful knowledge. I suppose knowing how to skin someone IS useful, if the situation ever came up.

...I think I may hate myself for loving someone who can't love me back. Not that they won't. They can't. *sigh*

Maybe it's more like a nightmare. I'm amazed that I am updating this everyday so far, usually I can't keep up with these things for even an hour. I guess I have a lot more on my mind than I was really willing to admit. Or maybe I'm just that desperate for someone to finally hear my words that I don't care if it's personal anymore and just putting it out there for anyone to see.

The internet is my ether, and this is my message in a bottle, of sorts.

So, I woke up with these half-formed thoughts about things that I've lost, or given up. I realize that I need someone to look up to me. Not just look up to me, but to depend on me. If I can't be the most important person in someones world, I feel like I am worthless. I don't have much else arguing with the point of being worthless. I guess that's the point of being a pack-mule though, isn't it? :Work, Carry, Smile, Carry, Work, Carry, Work, Work...here's some Food...Work, Work, Work..."

I was once in love. Not that I don't love still, I do. But I was once IN love. Whoever said it is better to have loved and lost is a fucking liar. You spend everyday from the moment you lost it wondering about every little thing, doubting every bit of yourself, doubting all of your emotions. You also spend it damning yourself, for things you said, and did, that didn't show how you really felt. You hate yourself for every moment of uncertainty, every little niggling fear that made you fuck it all up in the first place. And there really is no one to blame but yourself.

There is something worse than losing love though. What's worse? Having it right there, in your reach and view, and not being able to take it back. Seeing that you weren't what was missing from that person's life, just a stop-gap measure until their real need finally arrived. And then where do you stand? As a friend, and not-so-fond memory/experience.

I read, and listen to a lot of music. A lot of the music are things she introduced me to, that I didn't really recognize at the time. A lot of things I understand much better now, and wish I had understood it then.

Courtesy of Linkin Park, In The End:

It starts with one thing
I don't know why
It doesn't even matter how hard you try keep that in mind
I designed this rhyme
To explain in due time
All I know
Time is a valuable thing
Watch it fly by as the pendulum swings
Watch it count down to the end of the day
The clock ticks life away
It's so unreal
Didn't look out below
Watch the time go right out the window
Trying to hold on, but didn't even know
Wasted it all just to watch you go
I kept everything inside and even though I tried, it all fell apart
What it meant to me will eventually be a memory of a time when

I tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn't even matter
I had to fall
To lose it all
But in the end
It doesn't even matter

One thing, I don't know why
It doesn’t even matter how hard you try, keep that in mind
I designed this rhyme, to explain in due time
I tried so hard
In spite of the way you were mocking me
Acting like I was part of your property
Remembering all the times you fought with me
I'm surprised it got so (far)
Things aren't the way they were before
You wouldn't even recognize me anymore
Not that you knew me back then
But it all comes back to me (in the end)
You kept everything inside and even though I tried, it all fell apart
What it meant to me will eventually be a memory of a time when I

Chorus

I’ve put my trust in you
Pushed as far as I can go
And for all this
There's only one thing you should know (2x) Chorus



That actually sums up the relationship I am talking about. If I wasn't such a self-absorbed prick, maybe I would've realized then all that she did for me, how much she tried, and sacrificed, how many unintentional hoops she jumped through to please me...but as the song says, it doesn't even matter. And it's true, I probably wouldn't even recognize her anymore.

What fucks with me more is this song, which I was entirely introduced to be her; I would have never heard it otherwise, or wouldn't have listened to it.

Utada Hikaru, Simple and Clean

When you walk away
You don't hear me say please
Oh baby, don't go
Simple and clean is the way that you're making me feel tonight
It's hard to let it go

You're giving me too many things
Lately you're all I need
You smiled at me and said,

Don't get me wrong I love you
But does that mean I have to meet your father?
When we are older you'll understand
What I meant when I said "No,
I don't think life is quite that simple"

When you walk away
You don't hear me say please
Oh baby, don't go
Simple and clean is the way that you're making me feel tonight
It's hard to let it go

The daily things
that keep us all busy
all confusing me thats when u came to me and said,

Wish i could prove i love you
but does that mean i have to walk on water?
When we are older you'll understand
It's enough when i say so,
And maybe somethings are that simple

When you walk away
You don't hear me say please
Oh baby, don't go
Simple and clean is the way that you're making me feel tonight
It's hard to let it go

Hold me
Whatever lies beyond this morning
Is a little later on
Regardless of warnings the future doesn't scare me at all
Nothing's like before

When you walk away
You don't hear me say please
Oh baby, don't go
Simple and clean is the way that you're making me feel tonight
It's hard to let it go

Hold me
Whatever lies beyond this morning
Is a little later on
Regardless of warnings the future doesn't scare me at all
Nothing's like before

Hold me
Whatever lies beyond this morning
Is a little later on
Regardless of warnings the future doesn't scare me at all
Nothing's like before

This song was playing through my head all night and day, a little over a year ago. When I walked out the door, left behind a good deal of my possessions. When because of my stupid actions and inability to express and speak with her openly and honestly, I turned my back on it all. I turned my back on what really matters. And I lost it.

It's never coming back. I'm never going to be whole again. I had my chance; you don't get to try at that twice. Do Not Pass Go. You Owe $200.

...god, I need a shot or two of Jack right now.

Maybe then I'll be able to come up with enough money.

I went over my finances: I need to come up with $2,000 to get straight, more like $2,500...I need about $6,000 to be broke and dead even again, counting fare back and forth to school for the time being. How the hell am I supposed to come up with $6,000 in a matter of weeks? I wish there was someone I could turn to for help. I wish things were going better. I wish I could say all of this to someone and not feel like the loser that I am. But, I suppose that is all asking for entirely too much.

So, this is where I stand. I need $6,000. I need emotional support and physical/emotional/spiritual love. I'm bankrupt in more ways that one it would seem. No poem for the moment, maybe there will be one later.

...maybe I should start training again...

So, where do I stand now? Well, I work Monday. Get up at 5am, to be ready to leave at 6am, to make $80 for the day, working outside in the freezing cold, and of course I don't have proper clothes for it. I should just buy the clothes that I need for it, but I can't. Why can't I? Because if I could, then I wouldn't need the money, and if I didn't need the money, I wouldn't have agreed to do the work.

So, I'm stuck debating right now, I know I need to pay my credit cards and get my bank account above the negative dollars. But I also need to keep my cellphone on so I can keep getting work to pay my other bills. So do I deposit the little bit of cash I have so I can get my bank account up a little closer to being able to pay my bills, and let my phone get turned off? Do I struggle to keep my studio when I know if I get rid of it, despite the fact that I'll have wasted a big chunk of money that I couldn't afford in the first place, I'll get the deposit back which goes at least some way towards being helpful. As much as I want to give up, I just can't actually bring myself to do it. I like a challenge, even if I fail...I think I'd rather fail than give up. Then again, I already excel at failing.

Let's see:
Personal Relationships
Professional Aspirations
Scholastic Accomplishments
Physical Appearance
Mental Health
Professional Relationships

...I don't think there is much more I can actually fail at. When it comes down to it...I can't even rely on myself.

I'm so fucking useless.

You were expecting someone else weren't you?
Someone avant-garde and well-to-do.
Someone who could take you around the world and not think twice about it.
Someone who could shower you in diamonds and gold as though they were no more than water.

Well, I'm sorry to disappoint. It's just me.
Sure, I'll actually listen to what you have to say, and even say something back.
I'll rub your back when it hurts, and cradle you when you've had a nightmare.
I'll take care of you when your sick, and even kiss you although your nose is running.

But it doesn't really matter. After all, it's just me.

I can face the truth, I'm nothing special.
I don't have anything to offer you beyond a kind word...sometimes not even that.
I speak without thinking, and act without speaking. You want a partner? Don't look here.
You want to be secure financially? Then RUN the other way.

After all, it's just me.

Another post already, maybe I'm a little obsessive with this. Then again, it's not like I really have a whole lot more to be doing with my time.

Right now, I'd kill for a long romantic kiss, something full of love, passion, and wanton lust. It's amazing, but the more massively depressed I'm getting, the more that is all I want: Someone to call my own. Not that it's ever going to happen. Don't get me wrong, everybody has somebody, and all of that. But they never mention what happens if you had that somebody and then threw it away. Where's the song to that? Yeah, yeah, I know, there are lots of them, but its my rant, so fuck you.

I start school again on Tuesday, and I don't even know how I'm going to get there. I probably have enough change for bus fare, at least I'm hoping I do. I just found out I really have to pay my phone bill soon; I've put it off for a few months, and now owe them a lot of money. Who don't I owe money to? Do I owe you money? I probably do. Don't worry, the check will be in the mail as soon as I donate my body to science. You can collect your share out of the insurance...well, except that I'm not insured, but that's another story. How the hell can I have like 15 jobs and always be broke? Oh, that's right-They never give me any fucking hours to work!

*chuckle*

Ya know, *long silence*
I really would just kill myself...
Except I know how much of a financial burden it would be to others. They have enough reasons not to like me, without adding that to the list.

I think I hate my niece. She's growing up to be a bitch, just like my sister, and she's only 3 years old. It's kind of hard to realize you hate someone who used to love you, and unconditionally. Now if I don't give her everything she wants, she wants nothing to do with me. That's the way it always is though, isn't it.

In for a dime, in for a dollar.

...maybe I'll take up cutting in my free time. At least it'd let me know I'm still alive.

That if I am going to keep writing, it is going into its own post, and not with the general post that is on everything else. So, here goes...

A step into a dark alley,
Shadows surround and take you away

Into a dream in sepia moonlight

Black tendrils,
They twist and crawl upon your flesh,
Drive you with their Dark Secrets

Over the edge of Twilight,
Into a dream in sepia moonlight

Vampire kisses,
Sanguine the color of lust,
Of love, desperation, determination

It's almost a lie,
The way you hold yourself,
Hidden and hiding,
When all you really want is to be exposed

Into a dream

in sepia moonlight,

Over the edge of Twilight,

I'll take you there,
Just give me a chance,
A kiss, a touch, a softly spoken word,
A growl of ecstasy.

Let's explore together,
Explore one another,
Let go of our Dark Secrets,
and fly...

in sepia moonlight...
into a dream...
over the
Edge
of Twilight.

No, I'm not going to make much commentary on the death of Heath Ledger, but I will say goodbye to an impressive acting talent. I don't mourn his passing, I mourn the work we won't be able to see from him in the future.

I've started playing Oblivion, or rather restarted, for like the 15th time. I miss Morrowind, spears were my favorite weapon of all time, but since Oblivion doesn't have that I needed to find a new play style. Oddly, I'm now an Argonian Assassin, carrying a full compliment of poisons. Ya know, RL, for a big guy, I can be pretty stealthy.

I miss my best friend, I haven't seen her in a few weeks, and I'm worried how things are going to be between us when I do see her again. It's a complicated situation, that's for sure, and she has so much stress. I put a deadline on something, and it has passed, and I just don't have the cruelty towards her to question it because she is going through so much.

...at the same time, I've taken my own answer from it all, and it kills me inside to think about...and what's worse is, I shouldn't even be typing this, because I know she reads this, probably is the only one, but if I'm going to have a place to put my thoughts and actually try to keep up with it, I can't really go hiding everytime I have something to say. No matter how much it hurts.

The Respiderol I was on years ago really did fuck up my ability to draw, and I am now at least back to where I was when I was...oh, about 6 or 7 years old...can you imagine having 16 years of talent ripped out of you, and nothing left but the memory of how to do it without the actual ability anymore?

I've at least been slowly gaining the ability to write again, so I know the connections aren't entirely fucked up, I just need to figure out how to reroute them so that I can do what I want to...if I ever can again, that is.

So, what else do I need to share today? I don't suppose there's much really. I'm likely going to be playing Oblivion some more, and trying to get some people interested in shooting with me for free for a magazine that I am semi-working for. It's only exposure, but I need that desperately.

I'm still horribly in debt. I'm holding onto my studio, in such a barely-keeping it way that I wonder if its worth it. I have yet another job, and again the hours are inconsistent, even if the pay is decent. Not being able to work on Tuesdays really is making my life harder than it has to be.

Can someone remind me why I try at all?

Depression, Regression, Inside a hollow heartbeat,
It's so easy to forget it all, look into the mirror and
Smash your reflection into a 1000 smaller shards of hate.

Nowhere to run from yourself, so just face up and call it,
You're going to fall anyway, it's the easiest thing in the world.

Let the quiet beat sway your veins, move yourself over the edge,
It doesn't hurt to contemplate, It only hurts in the doing.

It's like a single teardrop, laced with quicksilver madness,
Hyperbole explosion, it all tastes like ashes!
Streaming words through your head, it's just a nightmare,
No return, no escape, it all comes to a head.

Nowhere to run, so just stand up and face yourself,
You're going to fall anyway, it's the easiest thing in the world, so call it!

So much to love, nothing to hate,
But when love is spurned it all turns black,
So hot that you're cold inside, so lonely

Standing in a crowd

With no one to turn to.

Wear your mask, with your mirrored eyes, and spit the world
Back on itself; dare to let someone close and it will all just shatter.

Nowhere to run from yourself, so just face up and call it,
You're going to fall anyway, it's the easiest thing in the world.

Nowhere to run, so just stand up and face yourself,
You're going to fall anyway, it's the easiest thing in the world, so call it!

GPS: In my head Temperment: Who needs a mood? Archival Sound: Portisheav vs Massive Attack - Roads

I have nothing I'd really care to say. I don't tend to share my thoughts and feelings with the world, I more or less made this to watch other people because I have nothing better to be doing with my time. Sad, isn't it?

Ever listen to Trip Hop? It's incredibly mellow and erotic music, the type of thing you listen to when you just want to fuck someone so much that neither of you can walk the next day. Yeah, that's the type of person I am; everything is sex or death.

So yeah, this is just going to be a ton of disjointed musings and ramblings, so fuck you all to hell.

You know, if you take a poison and introduce it into someone, depending on the dosage, you may actually help them? It's all about the dosage. How many of us drink soda, not thinking that if you had WAY too much of it, you could kill yourself. I like to think about shit like that. Like maybe one day someone will make a soda bomb.

I'm thinking of joining the military, yet again (on the thinking, not the having joined before). It would probably make sense for me to do so, and at least it would be something reliable, but I don't really care to learn how to "Hurry Up and Wait!" It makes sense for me to do it though, I don't have much else going for me right now other than that I'm a warm body and can be thrown into combat, cannon fodder. I'd make good canon fodder, I'm pretty big and dumb. Will I take a bullet for my country? Probably not. Will I take a bullet because the situation I am in is "entertaining"? Probably. Almost definitely.

This one goes out to the one I love: Make up your mind, get here already, and lets make it happy.

If you grind up poison ivy into a fine dust, you can introduce it into someones drink and have a lot of fun. Not that I condone doing this, or even suggest it, but just a thought.

Good sex can make you feel a little guilty afterwards, but it shouldn't.

Most people don't realize how attractive they are, and when they doubt themselves they end up being ugly.

Everyone should dress so they feel sexy. Comfortable is good, but if you feel sexy it will show, and you'll be more confident in yourself.

Once a day, you should look at yourself in the mirror, look for flaws and faults, and then resolve to either live with them or work past them. If you do this every day, you'll always be working towards improving yourself, and other things will have less weight, reducing your stress.

If you can be completely mindless but aware of the world, life is much easier to deal with.

Kick a baby, it is fun, and they are warm and squishy.

And finally, a thought on 'burgers:
If what was going into the burger did not walk on 4 legs, then it is NOT a burger.
Veggie Burger? False. Ostrich Burger? False.
Hamburger? True. Baby Burger? True (Think about it).

Edit/Addendum: I take too much pleasure in killing people.

GPS: At my Computer Archival Sound: Trip Hop